Updated: Jul 20, 2020
Everybody wants to find the secret to achieve ultimate happiness. During our childhood we learn that a specific toy or a specific thing is what will make us happy. Christmases have to be full of food, gifts and people or it is not a happy Christmas. Our birthday parties are sad if nobody comes, or if we don't have a party. We are not happy if we can't please the ones we love or if we don't get that perfect career, the perfect partner, the perfect family, money, and the perfect house. We think that if our parents have been "this way" or "that way", we could have been a happier person.
We think that if we hadn't made this or that mistake, we could have been happier.
It was easy for me to think that if I moved to another country and switched jobs, oh yes, then I could be able to achieve that ultimate happiness.
Nothing worked at the end. At some point of my life I had to face the feeling of failure and disappointment, because although I could have had some moments where I felt happy, I saw that they weren't perpetual. They were just fleeting moments and soon I was back into my internal - and sometimes external - battles just to have some other couple of minutes like that. Hard huh?
Yes, it is hard to find ultimate happiness in a world that attaches it to external factors. There are so many things to HAVE that can bring us happiness, but what happens when we get them? Why aren't we feeling happy, or why doesn't it last longer?
We have never learned about how to control our emotions - actually we have never learned that WE HAVE CONTROL over our emotions. We think that they control us, because when they come, we can't do anything about it. If we get angry, we finish by seeing ourselves screaming, crying, repressing or even doing things that make us really regret those little moments. We hurt people, we create drama in our lives because of short moment of turmoil. Sometimes we destroy relationships, making our own life even more difficult, keeping ourselves even farther away from our dream to become happy. Those moments can grow so much that the few moments of happiness looked like they weren't that important compared with the amount of drama and other negativity we carry within. We can sometimes become a drama machine - or desensitized to the point where we no longer feel anything. Until we give up. I've been through that. One day I understood that NO ONE or NO EXTERNAL THING could provide me the happiness I so wanted - and that's when everything started changing - for the better. I went within the depths of my soul to understand that I just had myself and that was actually my biggest discovery. When I started relying on myself to provide my own happiness, that's when things started to change. I became independent of external factors when I realized that they wouldn't provide for me - that I had to provide for my own self.
Sometimes we can't even remember what makes us happy after so many failures. The wisdom always lies in the body. And that's when the emotions come in.
The emotions are yours. They belong to you. And you belong to you : you control what you feel and what you do with your feelings. You control how you see life and how it affects you. You control how you want to look at things, people and situations - from their shadow or their light. At the end, those points will be the most important points in your experience.
What I learned is that the secret to happiness lies in happiness itself. The possibilities that you create to feel happy are the secret to achieve the ultimate happiness, because if you are the owner of you - aka your emotions, your thoughts, your experiences, your perspectives - it means you can CONTROL HOW YOU FEEL and how you feel will control your experiences. Difficult? Yes, it is. When you spend 40 years relying on others to give you that feeling, it is difficult to learn how to get that from the infinite source that is called YOURSELF. If emotions are yours - they belong to you - then happiness and joy do too. So you can choose to feel them. How? Providing yourself with situations where you feel those feelings. By asking yourself: what makes me happy? By experiencing it in your body. Like when you are at the beach and you look at the ocean, the blue sky, that peace, that serenity that nature is - if that makes you happy, do more of that! Like when you see your children smiling, laughing that contagious big laugh and you end up laughing just because you saw them, their innocence, the absence of stress, worries, judgment, criticism - do more of that. Be like a child again: play, laugh harder, forget the problems, forget the judgement, the criticism, the bills to pay, the emails to send, people's drama, all the things you think you SHOULD do. Just be.
That is the secret that makes happiness last longer. To give yourself more moments like that. To ALLOW yourself to enjoy them - without thinking of anything else for that amount of time you choose to do it. And then increase the time. Find that job that makes your heart beat again. Hold your partner's hand and kiss them again like the first time, remember the reason why you chose them and relive this moment. Laugh at all your friends' horrible jokes. Just because. Make friends that support you and that celebrate who you are. Get rid of toxic food, toxic people, and toxic environments.
Honour yourself. Honour your body as it is the temple of your happiness. Choose happiness. You can do it.
Tell yourself that you deserve it and when that voice comes to remind you of all the reasons that you cannot be happy, tell it to shut up. And smile.